draino | 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐒

[He said dreams out loud first. It means, maybe, just maybe...]

I've always had dreams - weird dreams. Dreams where I was somewhere else, a different version of myself living a different life. Every time they dreams were different, like I had a hundred other lives out there. But I had a lot of therapy, too. They called it a quirk.

[He kneads his hands against Harry's thighs, amused - but also feeling... heavy.]

I don't think it's a quirk sometimes. But I don't know what else it could be.

A quirk.

[It sounds fake somehow, like some shrink who couldn't be bothered to dig deeper. Harry wonders what Will Graham, his therapist friend, might say about it.]

Carl Jung had theories about the collective unconscious. Maybe that's what it is.

[He pushes a hand through Teddie's hair again. He thinks for a moment, silent, then abruptly pulls his shirtsleeve up and turns his forearm so that Teddie can see the scar running up it.]

I don't remember how I got this, or the matching one on the other arm. What's more, it's like... I never noticed them at all until very recently. And that's mad.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, something is terribly wrong here? In the manor?

[Teddie looks at the scars, then up at Harry, before back down to the skin - reaching to run his fingers along the lines of them. It reminds him of how he's had all these half-baked assumptions in his head, of how people used to be different. But also, without reason, he's been unable to prove it. If something's not wrong with the manor, it's definitely wrong with his head.]

... What kind of terrible? The curable kind, I'd hope.

I don't know.

[He is cold, he realises. Cold again in spite of the warmth of Teddie's body and the fact that it's late June.

He wants us to run, he remembers someone screaming. But who? He cannot say.

Harry swallows dryly.]

I just don't know.

[Teddie's seen the expressions of a dozen men and women in times like this, shifting between something happy or engaging to something distant and drained. It's the latter he doesn't like, and he reaches up for Harry, hands in his hair, pulling him forward again so that their foreheads touch. He's not sure why, but it feels like for a moment he has something to give - as if some sort of soothing touch would just pour out of him like water, to calm him. But it's just a moment of pause, an attempt at the same thing.]

How about we leave worrying about that to the morning. And for now, instead, we just take comfort in one another's company?

...right.

[He came here for a hookup and instead he's pouring out his anxiety onto this poor stranger.

Harry forces a little smile and lifts his hands to cradle Teddie's face as he kisses him with uncharacteristic (he thinks) shyness.]

[Teddie leans into the kiss, drawing it out - introducing a little lick to Harry's lip before he peels back, still gazing at him with affection. It takes a moment, but he murmurs softly:]

It doesn't have to be sex. I'm very good at comfortable silences while laying in bed, too.

I must seem so pathetic right now.

[Harry sighs and passes a hand over his face.]

I feel pathetic. Yes, let's just... perhaps for a moment. I just need to collect myself.

[Bed sounds good. Warm and in someone's arms.]

Darling, farthest thing from it. You seem very human, and that's a good thing.

[Theo - Theo feels like there's something he's pushing through when he says that, reaching back to a time where Harry's company has been had before - like he wants to comfort him like an old friend. As something more. The woozy sense of deja vu makes his head spin a bit, but he pushes up to his feet, and grabs one of Harry's hands to pull him toward the bed.]

Would you like to talk about something? Listen to me and my vapid drama that's been happening lately? Ask me something else - anything else - about me? I can talk for hours. You'll be cozy.

[Harry goes, docile as a lamb.]

Why is it vapid?

[Teddie gets Harry into bed - doing the duty of loosening belts, removing shoes and unbuttoning shirts for comfort as needed. Then he crawls up into bed next to him, a lot longer in length than a certain other bedwarming twink, but Teddie seems to have an almost familiar way about him nonetheless - finding that same nook in Harry's arm, fitting into it against all odds. He sighs, resting his head to Harry's chest.]

I don't know. All of this... fighting and drama, it seemed to matter a lot before. But now I'm wondering if it's not just... stupid and silly? There are other things that should be more important, don't you think?

I think that, when it comes to the human animal, we've a very hard time distinguishing between important and petty when our emotions are involved. It all feels the same, and so we act accordingly.

Which is my long winded way of saying that yes, world hunger matters more but I'm still going to be consumed with arguments with my ex husband.

[He strokes Teddie's hair softly.]

What's got you upset?

[Yes, Harry, but shouldn't we worry more about the weird house stuff instead of - oh, the hair petting is nice. He's coaxed into speaking from it:]

I met up with my ex here too - we were... bad for each other, before. Like, terrible? Bringing out the worst in each other. But we're sort of reigniting things again against all the better judgement. And against the heavy input of his cousin's judgement. She um, she hates me? Yeah, she hates me.

[sigh]

And then he also punched one of my friends in the face but on one hand he was asking for it because he said something awful but on the other hand, it's not really okay to punch someone. Especially twinks with good bone structure. It can really be devastating.

[To the nose, mostly.]

And now he knows I'm fucking my ex again, even after that. So it's... bad. I'm a bad friend.

[Dryly:] Yes, we must protect the twinks. They're an endangered species.

I don't think you're necessarily a bad friend. You had a relationship with this ex before, correct? Did you friend hate him then? Right now it sounds like you were dealing with your complicated romance and your friend just sort of wandered in and acted a right prick.

But then, I was fucking the same man as my good friend and neglected to tell him, so. Take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Do you ever find yourself making decisions you know are horrible... and just not knowing why?

[Teddie softly sighs, stroking his hand against Harry's chest, playing designs into his chest hair.]

Domingos and I are like... magnets. We repelled each other so violently before but now it's all flipped the good way, and... I don't know. I can't get enough of him. Maybe because it's such a bad thing? Did you avoid telling your friend on purpose, or did it just... not occur to you to mention it?

God, yes. Especially lately.

Domingos. What a lovely name. Tell me, now that you're back together, are you still awful to one another? Do you hurt each other on purpose?

I didn't know at first. And then... I didn't want to hurt him. I truly did not. And I was frightened. He's a much better man than I am, and I suppose I feared the competition. Which is rubbish - there was no contest to begin with.

It's like I can't control myself.

[Like he's being put into scenarios and just reacting, like someone else is playing dollhouse with his life. He's quiet for a beat, listening to Harry and also keeping his ear to the sound of his heartbeat in his chest.]

We're not awful... And if we do hurt each other, it is on purpose - but like, in a way we both kind of want? Instead of before, when it was hurt feelings... now it's more like. Bruises. I like bruises?

[Softly shrugging.]

Did it blow up on you? Mine's blowing up on me.

I understand.

[Harry smiles, and it's a gentle, caring thing.]

My dear boy, that sounds perfectly lovely to me. A little bruising, well. That's not a bad thing at all when it's desired. So to me, and this is just an opinion, it sounds like you've found a way to make a second chance work.

Oh, yes. I've lost my friend, I think. The lover, too.

I mean, it works between us. But his mothers hate me, his cousin hates me... my friends hate him...

[And Teddie likes being liked. Is he willing to risk it for another chance to keep a flame alight?]

Your lover didn't think anything of telling you? Or didn't know you both were acquainted? I can't say it sounds like it's all your fault here, honestly.

But you love him. Do you not?

Ah, he didn't know we were close. In retrospect, he probably didn't listen to me all that often. He wasn't interested in romance.

[Harry shakes his head ruefully.] I've a talent for finding people that don't want the same things I do, I suppose.

I do. But I am also helplessly in love with a girl - and I don't know how that will complicate things, either.

[Poly life is so hard, Harry. As... you... know.]

Is that what you want? Romance?

Do they get on? It might be a far more simple solution than you suspect.

[Harry combs Teddie's hair with his fingers.]

I've been told several times that I don't know what I want. Which isn't true, but I suppose the truth of the matter is so terribly banal that it seems fake. I wish to love, and be loved in return.

I'm afraid to see. What if one of them hates the other? What if - ah, she's Iggy's friend too, she might just hate Dom for decking him.

[He's quiet for a beat.]

I think that's what I want too. But I put too much stock in other people's opinions of me, I think. I'm a desperate people pleaser. Which works when you're putting out for fun but... I've spun my wheels out when it comes to relationships. The two I have right now feel so close to something, though.

[...]

Hey, you know... good things happen in threes, right?

Or she might listen to his side of the story. Might even talk your twink friend down.

Teddie, I am not a smart man when it comes to relationships, but I do know this: if you don't try, you will regret it.

So they say. [He has to smile.] A threesome then, must be very lucky.

[Teddie laughs, just lightly - turning up his chin to look at Harry to address the most pressing issue at hand:]

I meant I've already got two romances, I could always make it three.

[But, you know. Threesomes are also a valid option - he will save imagining Dom and Mila together for later, when he can zone out and get off on it valiantly. He adjusts the way he rests, arm slung over Harry.]

... Just sayin'.

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cw: suicide

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